WWJD2: The Woodcarver (GAM022)
WWJD2: The Woodcarver is the big budget sequel to What Would Jesus Do? 1. Apparently, the producers parlayed their success from that first one into a serious franchise. So, here it is, and they did what any good a Christian movie producer would do when they get some money: they went out and they booked Johnny Ratzenberger, and he was worth every penny. Also, just in case anyone's not caught up with the plot from the original, a Christian female boxer had just become major of Raymond California, but don't worry, it matter at all because there's absolutely no connection whatsoever between the characters in this movie and in part one. This one is all about the high stakes world of hand-cut lumber, so get excited. Type: Jesus Saves (and takes half damage) Opening Phrase Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because at one point this seemed like a good idea. How Bad Was It? Well, do you ever wonder what would happen if I took the plot of a gay porn, got rid of all the sex, and cast baby Voldemort and Cliff from Cheers? Well, then you've got a movie: What Would Jesus Do 2. This movie—I just want to point out, this movie—if you you include some old-man/young-boy fucking, is a fantastic love story: an older man who's wife has passed away and realizes that he has feelings for a young local boy; he takes him under his wing, and he fucks him a whole bunch; and his parents don't approve at first, but then they're like "You know what? You fucking my kid is helping him out." So then they live happily ever after. This is a touching love story, except it's not. Better or Worse *Eli: This is a better made movie, 'cause the camera was pointed in the same direction at all times, and the acting was better than child porn. That's all I have to say. *Noah: I gotta say, honestly I had more fun watching the first one though. Yes, there's no question this is a better made movie, but the first one actually at least you had all of that ridiculous bullshit to look at and go "Oh my God, they don't even have this—the camera's not even pointing at the guy who's taking any more, is it? Holy shit, did he fall asleep?" And you didn't get that in this one—it was every bit as boring, but you didn't get all of the basic fuck ups in filmmaking to have fun with, so it was actually a less entertaining ninety minutes. Notes *This almost exactly ninety-minute film is a sequel in name only. *The people who made this movie had no idea that the word "wood" is often used to describe an erection. Jokes *"So yeah, they bond over some oatmeal and some wood, and then we get another woodcarving montage and more gay sex words. Alright, ready? These are the words he says to him: 'See how the grain is nice and tight?' And then the kid goes 'Should I use my fingers?' Those are the lines. In this movie. I have no comedy for you—my comedy is 'Those are the lines.' My comedy is that I went back in time and I created a clone of myself, and the clone wrote this movie." (46:45) *"Oh, and then also we get—again, I don't get these moments in Christian movies, maybe you guys can help me here—because we get him and Cliff, they're standing there and he's saying 'Why don't you just pray for ten guys to show up and help us?' And he's like 'Why not pray for twenty?" Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle… but aren't you just pointing out that your thing is fake? It's a movie, can't you just ignore the fact that you could just pray...?" [Eli: I can explain. You see, God is like asking a Catholic girl for a blowjob: you can't do it. You can't do it, so if you're going to ask her for a blowjob, you might as well ask her for a Puzzle in a Thunderstorm. That's the point that Cliff is making, he's like 'Oh, you want God to help us out? Why don't you ask for a golden throne made of bears?' What we do is we wait until something good happens, right? You wait until she gets drunk at her sister's quinceañera and she blows you in the car on the way back, and then you say that God answered your prayers.] Oh I see, then you ask her while she's finishing, I gotcha. That makes at least a much sense I guess. You know, it's funny, a blowjob analogy always does it for me. That clears it right up. I'm a teacher of sorts.” (1:06:46) *"Oh, and by the way, I wanted to mention too that because you did the "Puzzle in a Thunderstorm" joke crossover joke on Scathing Atheist: I must have got like thirty fucking people messaging me going like 'I Googled "Puzzle in a Thunderstorm" and I didn't find anything. I'm kind of scared to go deep webbing looking for that shit.' Don't worry, you wait until daddy gets to ReasonCon. I'm gonna get Tom and Cecil in a bedroom. I'm gonna kick the door. And when we come out everyone is gonna know what a Puzzle in a Thunderstorm is, and they're going to agree that that email from the Professor was snarky. And by the way, that has nothing to do with why there's no ReasonCon this year." (1:08:10) Interstitials *Tony D's All-Inclusive Fighting Parents Package (7:04) *Interview with Jesus Christ of Nazareth (55:38/58:00) *''Pastor Man'' (57:03) Tropes *Atheist Writer in the Room *Behind on the Rent *Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith *Christians Don't Know How the World Work *Crazy Billionaire Money *Computers/Technology is Evil *Disappointing Christian Celebrity *Dollar in the Swear Jar *Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes *Indoctrination of Children *Jingly Keys! *Name That Movie! *Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent *Not Christian Enough *Nothing Happens *Success Is Bad *This is YOUR Movie! *Vaguely Heard of Jesus Links *Episode on Audioboom *Film on YouTube (Paid) *IMDB Category:Episodes Category:Noah Lugeons Category:Heath Enwright Category:Eli Bosnick